


Well, She is a Thousand Years Behind the Times

by CV12Hornet



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: BDSM, Drinking, F/F, Fish out of Water, Humor, Old Lady Hijiri Byakuren, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:20:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28219122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CV12Hornet/pseuds/CV12Hornet
Summary: What's got Byakuren in a bar violating her teetotaler ways? The Pure and Honest Reporter Aya Shameimaru is on the case!Crossposted from Fanfiction.net
Relationships: Hakurei Reimu/Kirisame Marisa
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Well, She is a Thousand Years Behind the Times

**AN:** Blame fellow writing buddy Cyberweasel89 and a meme she posted that slapped my muse into gear.

Aya Shameimaru, Pure and Honest Reporter, was experiencing that worst of possible things for a reporter: a Slow News Day. Yes, it merited capital letters, for a Slow News Day was the death knell of a newspaper! Forced to publish useless fluff, just to get the papers out! The sales would suffer, the ridicule would roll in, and Momiji would find her face-down on her lawn sobbing again!

Yes, Gensokyo's most famous crow tengu was determined not to let that happen again. Which was why she was traversing the human village on foot, scouring the bars for anything interesting. So far, no luck. Just the town drunks sipping away their money.

With three more bars to go, though, Aya struck gold: there, slumped over the counter and nursing a dish of sake was Hijiri Byakuren, resident Buddhist priest and notably one of the few Gensokyo residents that at least _tried_ to be a teetotaler. For her to be drinking in public…

' _Scoop!'_

Ducking in, Aya quickly flagged down the bartender for some sake of her own, and then waited.

Byakuren didn't say anything, just steadily sipped at her sake with a haunted expression, so after a socially appropriate period of waiting Aya opened up the conversation.

"So, what brings you here?"

Byakuren contemplated that, then tipped back her saucer and chugged the remaining booze. Dutifully, the bartender poured her more.

"I just don't know what went wrong," Byakuren moaned, cradling her head in her arms.

"Why don't you tell me about what happened," Aya said sympathetically, discreetly pulling out her notebook and a pencil. "And we'll see if we can't spot it."

Hiccuping, Byakuren lifted her head and gave Aya a teary-eyed, red-faced, pleading look. "You really mean it?"

"Yeah, I do," Aya lied.

Sniffing, the Buddhist wiped her eyes, and got to work telling. "So, earlier today, Nazrin burst into my room all a-titter, saying that Reimu and Marisa had converted to Buddhism."

Aya immediately began scribbling at max speed in shorthand. The famously agnostic Marisa converting to any religion was solid page 2 material on its own. Reimu, a devout Shinto shrine maiden, converting to Buddhism? Front page, easy. And there was definitely more to this story, Aya could smell it. "Go on."

"So, of course, I decided that I should go and congratulate them and provide some advice. Maybe some of those pamphlets Shou whipped up." Byakuren paused to chug down more sake. "So I arrive at the shrine and I find- I find-"

The words seemed to stick in Byakuren's throat, and Aya almost whined in pure need. So close! The story was almost complete! "What did you find?" she eagerly demanded. "C'mon, tell me!"

"I found Reimu, naked, gagged, and bound up in ropes!" Byakuren wailed dramatically, waving her arms about. "And Marisa, in this- this _lewd_ leather getup, standing over her with a whip! And when I tried to save Reimu Marisa blasted me!"

Aya felt her pencil slip through numb fingers. Frankly, she couldn't bring herself to care. This… This was more than just a scoop. This was the scoop to end all scoops. This made the Buddhist conversion look like a daily conversation. Not only Reimu and Marisa finally hooking up (dammit, she was out a _lot_ of money in the Youkai Mountain betting pool), but their kinky relationship. She needed to record this and-!

Embarrassed, Aya hastily retrieved her pencil. Soon, she had the whole story outlined, with some reasonable speculation filling in the gaps. She'd need to drop by the Hakurei shrine. She eyed her source, who was currently cradling her head in her hands and sobbing quietly. _After_ clearing up this whole mess Byakuren seemed to have stepped into. She actually felt _sorry_ for the poor woman.

"Byakuren, what did Nazrin say? Word for word, I mean."

Blinking mulishly, Byakuren visibly strained to recall the words. "Erm… uh… I think it was… 'Reimu and Marisa are in a BDSM relationship'?"

"Are you _sure_ those were the exact words?"

A long silence while Byakuren cutely frowned in deep thought. "I'm pretty sure…?"

For a long moment, the only sound in the bar was the bartender running the sink.

Finally, Aya reached out and touched Byakuren's shoulders, saying, sympathetically, "Um, Byakuren, that's not-"

"I THOUGHT BDSM STOOD FOR BUDDHISM!" the nun wailed, forgoing the saucer in favor of grabbing the sake bottle and chugging straight from it.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Aya yelped, grabbing Byakuren's arms and, with considerable effort, wrenching them from the bottle before the Buddhist gave herself alcohol poisoning. "No poisoning yourself! You're not an oni!"

"Then let me die!"

"Dammit, where's the nyuudou or the tiger when you need them?!"

~o~

In the end, it had taken a good ten minutes to get Byakuren calmed down enough to send her back to the Myouren temple, and even longer to locate one of her followers to escort her. Hell, Aya hadn't actually managed that; a passing Futo had volunteered to do so, probably to needle the Myouren denizens again.

Let her, as far as Aya was concerned. The tengu had one priority right now: get to the Hakurei shrine, and get some answers to fill in the gaps. And pictures, if she could.

' _Alright,'_ Aya mused to herself as she touched down outside the torii. _'After Byakuren interrupted, they probably took a break. So that means it's_ probably _safe to just barge in on them.'_ Briefly, she considered what Marisa might do to her if she was wrong, let alone Reimu once she was untied. A shudder ran through her. _'Best not to dwell on that, I think.'_

Reaching the front of the shrine, Aya confidently threw open the sliding door and announced, "Hey, Reimu, Marisa, you decent?"

They were not. They were most emphatically not. Aya could at least confirm that Byakuren had been completely right about the specific BDSM aspects of their new relationship. Now, since the two were completely stunned, Aya just needed to not take a picture, and she had a chance to get away clean while they were distracted.

*click*

Aya glared down at her traitorous hands. "Et tu?" she muttered, which sadly wasted just enough more time that Marisa broke out of the paralysis. When Aya looked up again, it was to stare down a mini-hakkero glowing with gathering power and an expression that could only be described as volcanic.

"Any last words?" Marisa growled.

"You look surprisingly good without your hat?" Aya tried.

"MASTER SPAAAAARK!"

PICHUUUUN!


End file.
